Democracy toppled: Volume 63 of the B&W has taken over
On April 1st, the old, defunct Volume 62 of the Black & White ended. In its place comes the cool, fresh Volume 63 generation, full of journalistic spirit and zeal.
They come with so much zeal in fact, that they’ve asked us to release this article as notice of their tyrannical rule. Armed with sharp words and even sharper knives, they plan to run this publication like a well-oiled nuclear bomb. Excuses will no longer be accepted, deadlines will be absolute, and all those who miss flat week will be placed in stocks at the front of the school to marinate in the public shame.
The Volume 63 top seven have been kind enough to disclose some of the other policies they plan on implementing:
First, writers are no longer allowed to pitch. The editors are tired of the constant back-and-forth process of pitching and decided the publication would just be better off without it. Top seven editor Michaeleigh Johnson stated, “I don’t want to listen to the rabble pitch a review on a movie they watched 2 years ago, now that I rule the publication I’d rather take a nap on the couch.” She gave us this quote by bursting into the Rutabaga headquarters to yell this at us before we even asked her for a quote. Since pitches will no longer be allowed, the B&W will only be posting rants about the editors’ obscure pet peeves, and cut stories from past cycles dating back to years ago.
In addition, the B&W has been threatened with lawsuits too much, and it’s starting to get old. No one has the time to sit around in a courtroom when they could be losing the New York Times connections game instead. Therefore, the editors have decided to halt all investigative journalism within the B&W out of fear and cowardice. In place of real investigation, writers will get their information solely from rumors, gossip, hearsay, and Discord status updates.
Finally, writers will be drafted to write for the Rutabaga. The top seven were bummed about the lack of writing for their most beloved splinter publication. Therefore, the editors are employing a B&W draft, as is their right in times of war against the writers. Any caught fleeing the draft will be summarily executed by quartering or immolation. The method of execution will be decided via coin flip.
Though things may seem dire right now, there is one hope for a future free from Volume 63 tyranny. Because the Volume 62 editors were brutally slaughtered by the new round of editors—as is tradition—the new overlords now have no idea how to run the publication. According to our anonymous source on the inside, they are currently holding a seance to contact the deceased editors and resolve a grammatical crisis. Perhaps after the 73rd explanation, they’ll finally grasp what passive voice is. Alas, the spirits of the Volume 62 editors cry out for a freedom they will likely never achieve. We at the Rutabaga hope they will eventually find peace within the afterlife, but it is unlikely.