Administration to Force Tardy Students to Compete in Wipeout Course For Late Passes.

Construction started yesterday in the baseball field on a Wipeout-style obstacle course that sources confirmed to the Rutabaga will serve as a way to hold late students accountable for their tardiness while giving Whitman Shorts easy content every week. The course has six obstacles and will soon be filled with mud so that late students are identifiable by the stains on their clothes. When a student enters the building after the first bell, even by just five seconds, they will be sent to the baseball field to attempt the obstacle course. If they complete it, they will be given a pass and excused from the current class. If they fail, they will be sent back to class and marked absent for every class they missed during their attempt on the course.

The move follows a perceived rise in tardiness at Whitman that has led staff to consider ways to limit the impact of student lateness. 

“We saw one person come in after the bell on Tuesday, and we knew something had to be done,” said business administrator Mr. Fus, the self-appointed Wipeout Tzar who will be in charge of the operation of the obstacle course. “We decided this was the way to give students a chance to be excused while publicly humiliating them, which the team and I felt was the best of both worlds.” 

In an emailed statement to the community, Principal Miller defended the decision. 

“The stain on our institution caused by the surge in tardy students can only be rectified by harsh punishment,” the email read. “Any student who comes into school or a classroom a millisecond after they’re supposed to must be punished. Students will be permitted to miss class to watch their friends try the Big Ball obstacle.” 

Whitman Shorts has been given express permission to film students participating in the course. They recently announced they will create a new segment of the best attempts and fails of the week called “Wipeout.” The segment will be anchored by different members of the Whitman Shorts crew and will replace the announcements at the beginning of the show.

“No one pays attention to the announcements whether they’re on our show or the PA system,” said Whitman Shorts Senior Editor Schben Shpelford Shpletzman. “So instead of hearing about the pledge of allegiance for the thousandth time, we decided to show everyone what they really want: A one minute package of their fellow students falling, slipping and bashing their heads set to the song ‘Here Comes the Boom’ by Nelly.”

Student feedback has been almost universally positive, with students who are consistently late, as well as on-time students, celebrating the move. 

“I can’t wait for those annoying late kids to finally get what’s coming for them,” said sophomore Teech Erspet, who told the Rutabaga he has never been late to school. “Watching them fail on Whitman Shorts will definitely be the highlight of my week.” 

Other groups of students were more negative about the changes. 

“Personally, I’m very excited to take on the Big Balls,” said senior Loves Daweed, who told the Rutabaga he has never been on time to school. “And if I’m able to get a late pass out of it, then it’s even better.”

The reactions from parents were more mixed, with a mom named Karen sending an all-caps email to the Rutabaga staff arguing against the wipeout course. 

“HOW COULD THEY EVER DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS TO MY SWEET, SWEET BOY? THEY’RE TORTURING HIM!!!!” the email read.

Construction is on track to be completed by the next school year. The baseball team will be relocated to the softball field for the time being.