New Casino to Replace Math Classrooms: School Gambling Legalized

Yesterday in a blockbuster announcement email to the Whitman community, Mr. Miller outlined an ambitious plan for the school’s future. “Effective next school year, all of the fourth-floor math classes will be transformed into casinos,” he said in the email. “We will have poker tables, slot machines, and of course, sports betting.”

In a separate statement to the community explaining his decision, Mr. Miller wrote, “We know students have been gambling on their phones at frankly degenerate rates, but we also know that we have no ability to stop them, so we’ve decided to meet students halfway. We hope this change will get kids back into our schools. Gambling will also become an acceptable excuse for missing class, but parents will be notified when their student blows their allowance on a high school football game in Minnesota.”

Mr. Miller denied repeated requests for comment. When The Rutabaga’s all-star reporting team asked him about the financial impact this move could have on students, he turned around and started sprinting the other way.  

 In a follow-up email to teachers, Miller notified the math department that they were all expected to stop teaching and switch to facilitating the casino.

In a statement to The Rutabaga, math teacher Mrs. Holloway said she was happy with the change. “I hate kids anyway so it brings me so much joy when they lose $10,000 betting on the juniors to win Battle of the Classes.”

Math teacher Ms. Hunt expressed her excitement about the change. “Day in and day out I’m teaching kids things that don’t matter. Geometry? Who cares? Algebra? More like algeboring! But with the casino, students are actually using math in real life!” 

Some are unhappy with the change though. As a self-professed, degenerate gambler, Luce Mo’ne said in a statement to The Black and White, “What’s the fun of losing a hundred thousand dollars a week if you don’t have to hide your habits from everybody? Without the thrill of hiding, all that’s left is the crippling debt.”

In an effort to get parents on board with the change, Miller told the community yesterday that the revenue from the casino will go to his own pockets. Parents surveyed by The Rutabaga were split on the concept. “At least this way I get notified when my child blows his college savings on North Korean U12 badminton,” said Whitman parent Ben Dover.