”She’s 34… it’s time to start a family!” – Education Professional Mr. Gohn addresses the elephant in the room that is Taylor Swift’s career and decaying womb

Cold, dark, empty, cavernous, abandoned – these are all adjectives that could be used to describe 34 year old pop icon Taylor Swift’s uterus. If you listen closely to Swift’s music, you can hear the echoes and cries from her elderly cervix, begging to be filled. And now with her serious relationship with notorious family man and Chiefs Tight End Travis Kelce, her deviant spinster ideals will negatively impact millions.

Travis Kelce is handsome, hardworking, muscular, kind, goofy, athletic, caring, muscular, and loving, and it is evident through his relationship with his brother, nieces, nephews, and parents, that it is his dream to be a father. Travis deserves to play catch in the yard with his son, or buy his daughter her first training bra at Kohls. Swift is definitely not getting any younger — at age 34 she is practically an old maid — and if she doesn’t want to destroy her boo’s hopes and dreams, she needs to act now.

Swift has already lost 90% of her viable eggs, and by age 40 she will only have 3% left. Even if Swift and Kelce began trying for a child right now, her lifestyle could not support a healthy baby, which is why she must quit music. No pregnant woman should be standing on a levitating pedestal, blinded by lights, singing for thousands of people, and then jetting across the country the next day. In fact, it is recommended that pregnant women avoid flying during pregnancy. And even if she was able to get pregnant, how could she raise a child and maintain the home for her husband if she is jetting across the world every other day for a new concert? Kelce has been trapped in Swift’s web, and the only way out is for her to quit her music career and do her true duty — her duty as a mother.