Are Whitman students stressed?
The Rutabaga has conducted a census of all two thousand Whitman students with questions about their stress levels and their homework habits. The results are shocking and definitely fit the journalistic ideal of novelty. We have breaking news: Whitman students are stressed. Here are the takeaways.
Whitman students spend 10 hours a day on a mix of Instagram reels and TikTok:
The most watched video was “I don’t remember what I just watched.” Students’ reported attention spans averaged 3 milliseconds. When asked whether they would rather watch five reels or save a dying puppy, 87% of underclassmen said they would rather watch the reels.
Whitman students report high stress:
We asked students to rate their stress levels on a scale of 1-10, but the average student placed themselves at a 15. When asked to elaborate, students declined, citing a lack of time. The two most significant reported contributors to stress were the obscure club that students had just created last week and the fact that The Black & White doesn’t publish enough.
Whitman students average three hours of sleep per day:
The number is shockingly low to most parents, but students expressed surprise that it was that high. The biggest reason for the lack of sleep was people worrying that people would think they weren’t losing enough sleep because of homework.
Whitman students spend 25 hours a day on homework:
The average Whitman student spends 104% of their day on homework, a number that is 25 times higher than the average high school student. In response to this statistic, the Whitman teachers told The Rutabaga reporters to “quit whining about it.” When asked for comment, Mr. Miller told the Rutabaga that he was working hard to solve the problem, citing new programs such as the Stressbusters program, where they give half an inch of a Twizzler to students at lunch, and the event where students are allowed where students are allowed to miss five minutes of school without punishment on one random day in February.
Underclassmen report having more homework than Upperclassmen:
This shocking statistic is true for two reasons, according to people interviewed for the story. The first is that Freshmen feel more pressure to have homework. “I feel like If I go to sleep before 2 AM, I’m a failure,” said freshman Hateshis Life. “Sometimes, I just sit there staring at my homework until 4 AM just so I can brag to my friends about how little sleep I got,” added Sophmore Teechers Pette.
On the flip side, senioritis is hitting seniors hard, and they have started to actively shun doing homework. “If I answer one math problem, then I’m gonna have to the whole sheet, and if I do the whole sheet, then I’ll have to do well on the test, and if I do well on the test, then I’m basically a straight A student, and I’m way too done with school to be a straight A student,” said senior Getme Outtahere in a text message sent from his basement during 4th period.
Students consider a C to be a failing grade:
In our poll, 70% of students said that a C was basically a failing grade, 22% said a B was a failing grade, and 8% said a D was a failing grade. Despite the complete break from reality reflected in those statements, Whitman students appear to have internalized that a C is not good enough. 97% of freshmen felt that anyone who gets a C during their high school career is stupid, with 86% of the total student body agreeing.