Did You Open Your Home to The Virus This Christmas?

2020 was a year of innovation. Out of patriotic desire for the prosperity of our great nation, the American people have adapted. However, with all this rapid change, a question is raised, how much are we willing to give up? How many traditions can we break until people finally snap? With all this uncertainty, we have to ask ourselves the million dollar question, Should Santa Claus be allowed to visit our homes this holiday season?

In some cases, this is a matter of life and death. How are we to ensure that our jolly father of Noel will abide by COVID-19 protocols? Saint Nick gave us an inside scoop on how the North Pole Department is handling the pandemic this christmas.

Parents all over the globe have expressed their concerns. With houses under quarantine, a visitor coming in through the chimney is a safety issue. Some are so paranoid that they have gone so far as to boycott the Christmas holiday as well as creating anti Santa committees. As one Bethesda mother described,

“I don’t want a fat old man in my house spreading the virus all over my living room. This is a pandemic, we should all act like it. Kris Kringle is no exception,” said Karen Smith.

To mitigate these concerns, Santa has made numerous modifications to his tried and true routine. One of these modifications has stirred up tremendous controversy, being an update to his classic red suit. While the suit will retain its red hue and black leather gloves, the Santa hat has been transformed into a full bikers helmet with an airtight seal. Santa’s helpers designed the piece of equipment to ensure its effectiveness. Multiple sources have confirmed that Santa has agreed to wear the helmet all of Christmas Eve, his only complaint being, he “can’t breathe”. 

In addition to the changes in his iconic fashion style, Santa’s sleigh has been altered significantly. Self-sanitizing door handles and a new sink installation are just a few of the new additions to Santa’s vehicle. 

“The sink will allow effective hand washing prior to every chimney scurry” said Scientist Mistletoe.

The North Pole Department has recognized the international decline in Santa appreciation and would like to empathize with the nation by speaking out about their own struggles with the pandemic. For example, a few staff have struggled with the obligatory refinements to the toy-making process.

“Everyone has been affected by the pandemic, even us up here at the North Pole,” Said the head elf of the North Pole Department, “It has been hard, but with our modifications we hope to restore everyone’s faith in Santa this year. We only have the children’s safety in mind.”

The NPD urges homeowners to be trusting, have faith in the department’s safety precautions, and not leave their fireplaces on this Christmas Eve. 

“It was a sad day when we saw love for Santa decreasing this year. Nonetheless, We believe in the children to carry us through this December.” Said Elf Department Head Sugar Plum Mary 

Disclaimer: Due to postal complications in the U.S., North Pole intel has been significantly delayed, hence the late publishing date