Open Letter to Mr. Nardi: please stop texting me.

Dear Pyle Principal Christopher B Nardi,

I understand that running a middle school is a stressful job. I’m sure that organizing online TAG is a pain. But my sympathy is running low.

I really have no issue occasionally engaging in light banter, but the sheer volume of texts is astounding. 26 different 8 Ball Pool games in one day? I’m not going to deny my love of “Despicable Me,” but I will add that the “ha” I replied after you sent me a barrage of minion memes was sent solely out of pity. I didn’t find a single one funny; it’s not Bob, Kevin or Stuart, it’s you.

Your bobblehead collection — referred to as “Nardiheads” in conversation — is of no interest to me. Sorry. I have AP tests to study for. I don’t have time to rate them in terms of their “artistic merit.” I’m doubtful that any museum is interested in preserving a plastic figurine of Mark Ruffalo.

And no, I won’t be asking “my nanny to ask my mom to ask your nanny to ask your mom to set up a playdate.” There’s a pandemic going on, you know I can’t come over.

How about chatting with Akinator, or Siri, or Sprint’s automated help desk? Just promise me you’ll stop subjecting living humans to your spam. I’m begging you, my data is completely used up for the month.