Why the cafeteria should start serving only milk

This year many students pointed out the obvious shortcomings of the cafeteria. You may be asking yourself, “what are these shortcomings?” Possibly failing a health and safety inspection? No. The most disturbing part of the cafeteria this year has been the noticeable lack of milk. We already got rid of the water, but there isn’t enough milk yet. Here’s why the cafeteria should get rid of all their food and start serving only milk.

1. Weeding out the weak ones. If the selection of food in the cafeteria becomes limited to only dairy, we’ll be able to weed out the lactose intolerant students. Weak genes will not be accepted at Walt Whitman High School. Once we find defective students, we can immediately expel them.

2. I only drink milk, and I feel great. I haven’t touched a drop of water in all my years of life, and apart from debilitating organ pain, vivid, terrifying hallucinations, and explosive diarrhea, I feel top-notch!

3. Scare the Liberals. The liberals are under the crazy opinion that the dairy industry throwing calves around by the neck and forcing their dairy cows to stand knee-deep in manure is wrong. Serving only milk will send a message to the tree-hugging, minority-loving, politically correct libs that we won’t bow to communist ideology. 

4. Appease the milk overlords. The dairy lobby throws hundreds of millions of dollars at our politicians to promote milk; what do you think would happen if I… if we didn’t listen to their wishes? Hitmen only cost a few thousand dollars. Also, The Council would be angry and we don’t want the council to be angry after last time.  

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