Throwing my computer in a river: How I prioritized my mental health

Winter time marks the era of stress, depression, and just generally feeling like absolute shit. Well, instead of your other numerous attempts to get therapy, manage your schedule, or seek help from a teacher, we’re here to tell you the most successful thing you can do: take your computer, sign out of Canvas, cut ties with your annoying therapist, and throw your computer in the nearest body of water you can find. 

There are numerous benefits to throwing your computer into a polluted body of water where it will fizzle into oblivion. First of all, it’s not THAT bad for the environment. If anything, you’re giving a fish a new computer so it can watch TV and stuff. 

Second, it’s a perfect way to “accidentally” break and/or lose your computer. When you tell your teacher that you can’t complete your homework because you lost your computer, they can’t tell you to “retrace your steps.” If I “retraced my steps,” I would end up somewhere near the Potomac River where I angrily chucked my MacBook at an innocent ecosystem. 

So, Mr. Derenberger, please stop telling me I have to “submit” my “latest essay” or else “I’ll fail” your class. None of those words existed before you said them and I don’t believe you even know how to write an essay.