All seven of the animated M&M’s convicted of felonies

The animated figures of America’s favorite candy-covered chocolates, the M&M’s have been a controversial and sensitive topic in popular culture recently, with Fox News’ Tucker Carlson attacking the “woke” new M&M’s. With the attention of America focused on their new “radical left” ideology, the crew of seven committed an array of felonies and criminal misdemeanors that will now find them behind the bars of federal prisons. 

Blue M&M – Drug Trafficking, Possession of Narcotics with Intent to Distribute

The Blue M&M, notorious for his almond core, and “cool” personality, has been arrested in Arkansas, after being discovered with 23 pounds of marijuana packed into the tires of his car. Following his arrest, police were led to a drug den where another 400 pounds of the devil’s lettuce were discovered, resulting in the largest drug bust in Arkansas history. The blue M&M plead no contest to charges of drug trafficking, and possession with intent to distribute, and has been sentenced to 25 years in a federal penitentiary, with the possibility of parole after 5 years.

Brown M&M – Arson

The iconic feminist, the Brown M&M was arrested in Texas after she was caught trying to burn down the stage at a Metallica concert, after she determined that there were “too many men”. In court the Brown M&M displayed no remorse and so received the maximum sentence of 30 years, without the possibility of parole. 

Yellow M&M – Attempted Kidnapping, Pedophilia

This clueless, gullible, friendly, little fellow got into a teeny bit of trouble at a playground in Seattle after luring kids into his truck and saying, “Do you guys want some of this candy?” The Yellow M&M was quickly arrested for attempted kidnapping and pedophilia. Yet he was able to stay out of prison after he was determined to be mentally unable to stand trial, due to an IQ of “ barely functional level.” The Yellow M&M has been placed on the sex offender registry in the state of Washington, and is now under house arrest. 

Purple M&M- Aggravated Assault

At a dinner table with the other M&M’s the Red M&M was discussing how Tucker Carlson viewed them. This triggered the Purple M&M, suddenly reminded of the hate she received from Mr. Carlson. Hands were thrown, teeth knocked out. Our feisty “obese..frumpy lesbian” got charged with aggravated assault, and following a lawsuit from the Red M&M, was forced to pay a settlement of $1.6 million.

Red M&M- 1st Degree Murder, Hate Crimes

A narcissistic, impatient, greedy, M&M supremacist, named Red M&M. You thought he wouldn’t wind up behind bars? Well after murdering a family of skittles, and posting pictures of the victims, alongside anti-skittle slurs online, the police had enough evidence to arrest the Red M&M. After a trial where he displayed no remorse, he is now on death row, set to be executed by melting in the summer sun. 

Orange M&M – Tax Fraud

This shy, little, neurotic guy most thought would be too scared to commit a crime. It doesn’t mean he didn’t. The orange M&M opened a window shades and blinds store that started booming! He kept this business up for 2 years and made millions off of his infamous window shades and blinds. Poor guy was escorted out of his store and straight behind bars after claiming that he didn’t know what taxes were. Hopefully he learns during his 4 year prison time.

Green M&M – Money Laundering

The infamous Green M&M, the sex symbol of all candies. After seeing the appeal fans had to her, she decided to start selling personal items such as her controversial knee-high boots, used utensils, and even her bathwater.  This led to her making billions of dollars off of her obsessed fanbase. How was she going to hide all this illegal income from the IRS? She opened a car wash. She was later caught after an investigation found that a little carwash had a monthly revenue of $400 million.