Abolish Babies

Yes, they may be “cute” but babies are actually destroying America. According to The United States Bureau of Labor Statistics, children aged 0-2 are unemployed at a 99.97 percent rate, staggeringly higher than any other age group. This begs the question: are babies killing the economy?

As we all know, we are in the middle of a massive economic recession, and some experts believe this is due to babies. We talked to Harvard economist Squilliam to get an expert opinion on this pressing issue.

“I find it positively outrageous that babies refuse to contribute to the economy” he said “this is why I have never paid child support to any of the twenty-seven women with which I have had a child.”

Squilliam declined to comment on his nine pending murder charges.

We also turned to science to get a second opinion. Bill Nye, the world-renowned science guy has his own opinion on babies.

“Evolutionarily speaking, human babies are at the bottom of the food chain” said Nye “baby cobras can hunt and kill prey the same day they hatch, human babies just sit around and be fat.”

Nye also spoke to the greedy and manipulative nature of the human baby.

“Sure, they are cute with their big eyes and tiny little noses but it’s all a trap” he said “babies are collectively draining us of all our resources, and we have to put a stop to it.”

Theorists have suggested various solutions to this baby epidemic. President Trump has suggested that we should “deport all babies to New Jersey,” while others such as Nye have hinted at ‘mandatory abortion’ for all pregnancies.

No matter the method, something needs to be done soon before it’s too late.