Whitman stairs exhausted after students climb them

The Whitman stairs recently complained about the fatigue they feel after students climb them. The exhaustion is particularly bad in the morning, they said, and made worse when students have to climb up all three flights in order to reach their first period classes.

“It’s totally draining,” the stairs said. “I mean, I’m, like, always winded now. I used to just think I was out of shape, but after the Spanish 5 kids stomped on me every day for a year, I realized it’s because this is a genuine workout.”

The stairs also said that their knees occasionally shake a bit and their quads hurt after students climb them. The worst part of the day is between classes, when hundreds of students run from the third floor to the portables, and vice-versa, they said.

“By the late bell, I’m completely spent,” the stairs said. “And I can’t even pee between classes, because then these kids will be late.”

One of the most difficult parts of the job is when students walk up the wrong side, the stairs said. Not only does it create a traffic jam, but it pops the stairs’ “personal bubble.”

“I work so hard every day,” they said. “I’m stuck in this thankless job, busting my railings, and all I have to show for it is a few scuff marks and dropped gum wrappers. I almost told people I had COVID-19 so they would stop using me.”

Sometimes, though, the stairs don’t hate their job. Rather than a tribulation, they see it as a blessing in disguise.

“Students walking up me is basically the only exercise I get,” they said. “Cardio is cardio, am I right?”