Breaking news: Whitman administration facing deal with the devil, says insider

It’s been the topic on every Whitman student and teacher’s minds: where are all the stricter rules coming from? Did a rock fall on someone’s head and get the pain of their concussion out on everyone else? Is someone in the main office going through a bad breakup? Well, The Rutabaga is here to answer the questions of the origins of this new lay-down-the-law culture in Whitman’s walls, thanks to an insider source. 

“All the new strictness is actually coming from orders from a higher power,” said the source. “Dr. Dodd must respond to these orders or else he could be punished with an eternal suffering and punishment.” 

Dodd — always a guy to respect the opinions and values of others — had the opportunity to hear the orders of the devil over the summer. What did the red guy in the invisible realm want? He wanted no phones, the enforced attendance rules and of course, the line heading out of the parking lot so the security guards can stand there for an hour and check student ID’s. 

Even after putting up a fight the devil insisted. The flames surrounding his small beady eyes grew larger and larger and soon, Dodd could no longer see the reality and the truth. 

“Ever heard of a cell phone holder?” The devil meniaclly laughed as he levitated towards the dark clouds and spit out a chunk of blood onto his enemies. 
So next time you see the administration in your classes or in the hallways, have a little sympathy for them. The hardworking people of Whitman are just working to fulfill the devil’s orders, as they work hard to improve everything in the sacred halls of our school.