Spray-tanned sophomore claims she “fell asleep in the sun”

BY 2Rs

Twenty minutes after entering a local spray tanning salon, sophomore Julie Smith emerged with coloring similar to that of the love child between Nemo and an overripe cheeto, if the cheeto was painted orange and also on fire. Smith, who had never before received a spray tan, was reportedly satisfied with the results of her “little escapade,” said her chronically absent mother.

When asked about her new look Monday morning, Smith said her tan was natural, claiming she fell asleep in the sun at her brother’s Little League baseball game.

“I mean, it is America’s pastime,” Smith said. “What better way to celebrate red, white and blue than becoming orange?”

Smith had selected the brightest shade the salon offered, “Orange you overcompensating?” Other choices include “Shield-your-eyes sunset” and “The Carrot(e) Kid.” A salon employee attempted to convince Smith to choose a milder shade, but Smith refused, confident in her wish to look like “an oompa loompa, minus the green hair and the musical talent.”

Smith’s friend Sara Altman didn’t recognize Smith at first, Altman said. Smith’s tan was “obviously fake, but don’t tell her I said that,” Altman said. Altman, who likened Smith’s look to that of a “post-meltdown Lindsay Lohan,” was confident that Smith would soon realize her mistake.

“We’re, like, really close,” Altman said. “I mean, I have her Snapchat password and everything.”

When probed, Smith’s younger brother admitted that he did not, in fact, play baseball at all.

“Even if I did, it’s not like she would come to my games,” he said.