Why I shouldn’t be arrested for punching a Gemini in the face

As we all know our astrological signs play a huge role in who we are as people. Short temper? Aries. Emotional? Sagittarius. Willingness to convince your followers to drink cyanide in a South American jungle? Taurus.

Nothing holds more bearing on your outcome in life than the position of the stars on the night you were born. Time and time again, “nature and nurture” have been proven irrelevant in a child’s development when compared to their zodiac sign. Consequently, it’s not my fault if I punch a Gemini in the face — after all, I’m a Pisces!

Geminis are “indecisive, double-faced, judgemental, and overly anxious,” according to ZeeNews India, the most reputable source in astrology. All of these horrible traits are perfectly valid reasons to throw a right hook at a Gemini.

But there’s more. Being a Pisces, my least compatible sign is Gemini, meaning that anyone born between May 21 and June 20 will undoubtedly catch these hands if I see them being overly anxious in public. 

I know what you’re asking yourself right now, “Does this include babies?” The answer is yes. Gemini babies are extremely judgemental and indecisive. If you’ve ever seen a baby staring at you in a weird way, it’s a Gemini baby and it’s judging you. As a Pisces, I’m obligated to sock the baby on sight.

Needless to say, the law should not hold me responsible for my actions. If I had been born after March 21 then sure, arrest me. But my birthday is March 17. Sorry John Green, there’s no fault in our star. The laws of the celestial bodies don’t lie.