ESPN Frustrated after NFL draft pick has no dead family members

Clemson Junior Trevor Lawrence has been touted as a generational talent at the Quarterback position. Highly respected NFL scout Anita Hanjaahb called him “The Greatest Quarterback prospect we’ve ever seen.” Despite all of this praise, ESPN had nothing to say when he was drafted 1st overall to the Jacksonville Jaguars in this year’s NFL Draft.

“Obviously the kid’s a star,” NFL Draft Analyst Willie Stroker said shortly after the draft ended. “But who cares how he performed in college? Obviously everyone is more interested in whether or not his mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when he was 7, and this was not the case.”

Due to the lack of talking points available, everyone stood in silence after the pick until renowned analyst Booger McFarland confidently said, “Lawrence was drafted first overall, meaning he had zero players picked ahead of him.”

Luckily, the next player who was selected had a dad who lost his hand in a wood chipper accident. 

“Those are the things that we look for when analyzing a prospect,” said Stroker. “Just the intangibles man, you know?”