Bernie Sanders Sells Used Mittens to Jeff Bezos for $45 billion
January 20, 2021 will go down as one of the most important days in American history. An event so historic, so significant, that our kids will be reading about it … Read More
Bye Bye, Boris: Boris Johnson quits job as PM, now selling porridge to homeless people on the streets of London
This week, our London reporters have come across a troubling report. U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson, the 2020 world’s sexiest man, has quit his job in Parliament in favor of … Read More
Did You Open Your Home to The Virus This Christmas?
2020 was a year of innovation. Out of patriotic desire for the prosperity of our great nation, the American people have adapted. However, with all this rapid change, a question … Read More
Abolish Babies
Yes, they may be “cute” but babies are actually destroying America. According to The United States Bureau of Labor Statistics, children aged 0-2 are unemployed at a 99.97 percent rate, … Read More
Guys who wear shorts to school in December are outraged about online school
The pandemic has affected all of us in some way or another. Some people lost their jobs, others have lost love ones, but absolutely nobody has lost more than December … Read More
Breaking: Democratic party membership decreases 78% after news releases that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has a boyfriend
After news released that New York Democratic senator Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is dating a man by the name of Riley Roberts, many long-time Democrats are starting to rethink their positions. We … Read More
Man confuses TikTok with watchmaker dating app, is ‘mildly entertained’
Lester Bumpkins, a recently-divorced watchmaker from Missouri, rarely makes mistakes. This past Monday, however, Bumpkins mistakenly downloaded TikTok, assuming it was a dating app for fellow watchmakers. “I was hoping … Read More
Is Katie Ledecky a fish?
Katie Ledecky is one of the greatest swimmers of all time. She has won five Olympic Gold medals. Her time in the 1500 meter swim of 15 minutes, 34.23 seconds … Read More
Breaking: Man is angry at women because women are not interested in him
A man by the name of Eugene Stinkelberg has declared war on women. In an exclusive Rutabaga interview, Stinkelberg said “I think that this generation of women is comprised solely … Read More